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A drunk was told by his friend that he was so bombed he couldn't see straight. "Look whose talking" slurred the drunk " a guy with two heads."
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An idiot is lying in bed and gets hungry. He can't believe that it isn't noon yet and demands that a sundial be brought to him so that he can check.
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Patient: ‘ Doctor whenever I get up from my sleep, it takes me a half hour before I feel alright.’ Doctor: ‘So get up half an hour later.’”
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"A fool broke wind in bed with a deaf person. When the latter caught the smell and began to complain, the fool said, `Come on, how could you hear it if you are supposed to be deaf?"'
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An egghead and a bald man and a barber were making a journey together. At night they arranged for each of them to stay awake in turn to stand guard. The barber had the first watch and being bored shaved the head of the egghead and, when his shift was done, woke him up. The egghead rubbed his head as he came to and found himself hairless. “What an idiot the barber is,” he said. “He’s woken up the bald man instead of me.”
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A guy is teasing his friend. " I screwed your wife last night" `As her husband I have to" says the husband. What's your excuse?"'
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An astrologer is reading the future of a sick child.He assures the mother that the child will live for a long time and asks for his fee. When she tells him to come and collect it tomorrow he says, "But what if the boy dies overnight? Will I still get paid?"
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Hair Dresser: "How shall I cut your hair sir?" Client: "In silence".
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One of two twin brothers dies. The living one is met by a moron who asks "Was it you who died or was it your brother?"
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Did you hear the one about the miser who was writing his will and appointed himself as the heir?
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